The Christina Chronicles

Meet another one of my housemates, Christina.
For anyone who watches the Big Bang Theory, there is likeness to Sheldon in her - although not as extreme. She's an interesting character, and although sometimes can be a complete nightmare to live with it's often these characteristics that make her personality great.

The first year I lived with her, I created the 'Mean List', as the majority of her mischief was somehow deflected onto me. Take a look at the mean things Christina has done to (a rather innocent) Hayley:

• Poured hot chocolate down her back
• Threw a pan of popcorn scraps at her, resulting in mass attack from the flat
• Set the fire alarm off at 3am with an impressive amount of cigarette smoke
• Threw water at her, resulting in it looking like she had been drooling/peed herself
• Smashed a freshly cooked fairy cake in her face (half eaten and all)
• Smeared houmous on her face, then wiped some of it off with pitta bread
• Woke her (& Linus & Laura) up on the morning(s) they had a lie in
• Ran into her room at a ridiculous time of the morning and shoved her tits in her face whilst yelling 'WE FOUND STRIPPERS!'
• Running up to her room and scaring Hayley just to provoke the 'WHHHYYY?!' reaction
• The many attacks of her BCG including the demon elbow
• Told Hayley: 'See if looks evil, that's why it's like you.'
• Told Hayley: 'Your music is so spasticated it makes me want to cry'

Our kind of humour

The list became long enough that there was a need for part II:

• Hit Hayley in a lecture to wake her up. Hayley was not asleep
• Hit Hayley because she was being attacked by Yao
• Hit Hayley's boob with a tendon hammer to test whether or not it had a reflex
• Told Hayley 'You look ill.! No 'Hello', nothing. Hayley was not ill & had actually been feeling rather cheery
• Told Hayley 'You look like a mosquito bite'
• Percussed Hayley's head and then announced 'It's empty'

At this point she interjected with 'gingerls have hairy pussy and most are agly'. She's from Cyprus, so imagine that in a Greek accent for full effect.

• Exclaimed 'I would never kiss Hayley!' Christina then pulled a disgusted expression and continued with 'I would never kiss a ginger!'
• Informed Hayley 'You're pretty... for a ginger'

She interjected once more with 'It is the truth... patric likes but what the fuck...' Patrick is a mutual friend who simply said that he had no objections to hooking up with a ginge.

• Punched Hayley in the cunt. Ouch.
• Jumped on an ill Hayley and began dry humping & jiggling her tits in Hayley's face. This was after a game of strip poker.

From there, the list was becoming too long and so was ceased for year 2, but it doesn't mean that it stopped. Admittedly we trained her out of hitting by whacking her back every time, but her humorous stunts continued aplenty.

This year she took a running, drunken punch at my cunt. Joy.

One of my good mates, Martin, often crashes round mine and vice versa... so it's common for him to be in my bed in the morning. Christina often strolls into my room declaring 'Hiiiii Martin' and grabbing his crotch (don't ask about the latter, we've never really understood). One morning, she strolled in and saw a brown-haired chap and so said 'Hiiiiiii Martin!' but thankfully didn't grab his crotch as, funnily enough, it wasn't Martin but instead Joe. Try explaining that to the guy.

Her finest performance this year? The return to our house from Beer Bowling. A typical 15 minute walk took us a good 45. We walked all of about 5m before she removed her shoes because they hurt, but she was in no state to be shoeless so I gave her mine. She continued the journey, humping glass windows in an attempt to hump the manikins behind and hugging cars that she believed to be her beloved Tzatiki. At 2am, the floor was just a tad cold so for her to remove my shoes from her feet, 20m from our front door declaring 'These shoes are NONSENSE!' was a massive blow. Funnily enough, the next morning she remembered nothing.

This song will always remind me of her:

Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin

Shakin' That Ass

Cheerleaders.
Everyone has their own perception of a cheerleader... and most are the opposite of me.

Short skirts? ...jeans
Sexy dancing? ...my signature 'alternating dolphin' move
Flexible? ...awarded the tightest hamstrings title in my class
Confident? ...that awkward feeling when someone watches me chop vegetables.

Basically, I'm not cut out for cheerleading. So why I gave it a shot? Who knows...
I like to say that it's because the gymnastic and stunting part is incredible and I aspired to such roles, but on the first session my abs revealed themselves as inadequate for any form of flying. Maybe it was for the overall challenge. 

The first few weeks were cringe making to the extreme. At the end of every session someone would be awarded the spirit stick, and to be honest that's quite a nice concept however the cheery song to congratulate the winner was... interesting. It goes along the lines of 'we are proud of you say we are proud of you *clap clap*' repeat a few times with 'woooaaaah good job!' at the end. American accents required, of course.

After the few weeks, I got over it. The unnatural arse wiggling and tit shaking was a challenge too far though. That was until, however, I won the spirit stick for my arse wiggling and tit shaking.

Now that was a weird experience.
...most likely to be sympathy.

Through all of that, I decided to compete. A national competition for arse wiggling, tit shaking and co-ordinated dance whilst wearing short skirts, smiling like a maniac and pretending to be flexible.

It was the cheeriest place I've ever been to, but in an annoying way. Everyone was loud and ridiculously keen. There were many a 'we are proud of you' and too many incredibly proud parents. Yet once you got into it, it became addictive. The poms came out, as did the ridiculous cheering and jumping up and down at any opportune moment. All in all? Enjoyable!

Made for an awkward admittance as to why I was so knackered on placement. My colleagues perceptions somewhat changed on that day, but it remains far from the worst scenarios. There's something about me that makes me approachable... people feel they can open up to me. In the Older Persons Assessment Unit, this becomes that little bit more awkward. Here are two prime examples:

• There I was, carrying out a typical falls assessment on a woman who, admittedly, was taking control. However, she was happy and I was completing what I needed to in order to ascertain the situation. Until...
  'Have you ever had sex?'
  Firstly, this was a little insulting and secondly, this was incredibly awkward when the person supervising me (my clinical educator) is well within earshot.
  'Urmmmm yes, but why? I'm not sure if this is appropriate'
  Turns out she wanted to tell me dirty jokes about her son, and this was only worth doing if I'd ever given sex a shot. In all credit to her, the semi-dirty jokes were hilarious and we had a right laugh for the rest of the assessment. We built a good rapport, I obtained a good idea of her problems and ways to resolve them and she was keen to return the following week. Win-win if you ask me.
  My clinical educator was not so chuffed - reckons it's unprofessional
  
  
• 'This dizziness is hard to cope with'
  'Hrmm, I can only imagine'
  'I can't roll in bed, and have to sleep on my side and, well... y'know. It's making it very difficult to be intimate with a man'
  At this point, I desperately had to restrain myself from recommending the Karma Sutra. Pretty certain that goes against professionalism. Shame really, as it would probably have been incredibly useful.
  

I See You Baby - Groove Armada